Yes, it's going to be one of those...
Battle Cat: "Hi, I'm a Western character figure."
Dead Master: "And I'm an Eastern character figure. I..."
Battle Cat: "No! I'm going first! Don't make me eat you. Remember that I could just do the rest of this without you."
"So yeah, I come from an American cartoon called Masters of the Universe. Sometimes just known as He-Man."
"It's an action cartoon about big muscular guys beating up other big muscular guys. Because the West is all about being macho and violent."
"Even our women have muscles"
"Oh, could you guys hang on a second? This is important."
"Yeah, that's it..."
"You're really hitting the spot now. Just scratch a little harder. Right, now where was I? The cartoon started in the early '80s..."
"Oh god, where did you guys find that photo....?"
"This is so embarrassing... I can't believe I used to look like that."
Dead Master: "I think you were pretty cute."
Dead Master: "Who's a little cutey whooty?"
"STAY THE HELL OUTTA MY OLD PHOTOS!"
"At any rate, we were big. Bigger than that cartoon about Jesus. We gave children mindless entertainment AND nostalgictastic figures. Plus a live action movie which we don't like to talk about, mostly because I think I'm not in it."
"We are the West, hear us roar!"
"Tag, you're in."
Dead Master: "About time."
"My series, Black Rock Shooter, may not have the history that Masters does but we also print money. Hell, we had tons and tons of preorders for figures... well, BEFORE people actually saw what the show was like. Like many Eastern animations, we're occasionally accused of being about cute girls and fan service. Not that there's anything wrong with that. No muscles here! Small and girly is the way to go."
"Plus a little dark and creepy."
Both: "We couldn't be more different! But we do have one thing in common... we were made by companies specifically to sell merchandise!"
Kratos: "Hi, I'm a Western videogame character."
Cloud: "And I'm an Eastern videogame character."
Battle Cat: "Wait, another...? I thought we were just doing one."
"My name is Cloud. I'm slim and not very muscularly, but I'm broody and don't talk a lot so chicks think I'm deep. I have a complicated backstory and carry my scars on the inside. I like to sulk and mope in my free time. Basically I speak rarely and carry a big sword."
"I'm Kratos and I kill people. If you're in my way, you're dead. Hell, you're better off just running if you see me coming. Unless you're an attractive woman and the game hasn't featured its mandatory sex minigame yet. While I have a tragic backstory, I carry my scars on the outside as well as the ashes of my dead family. And, trust me, you don't want to be related to me..."
"I kinda have a bad track record there. A lot of relatives like dear ol' dad I'll go out of my way to kill but others are just mistakes. Simple, bloodthirstily stupid mistakes..."
"Unlike the pretty pansy over there, I'm big and brawny. I don't need a big sword, I'm confident in my two little blade thingies.... but I also have a big sword at times. Often at the beginning of games. And then I've got this other sword which gets bigger during some minigames...
And oh yeah, I'm the opposite of quiet. Half the game I'm probably shouting the antagonist's name. Makes it easy for gamers to keep track of who the villain is. Yeah! Western games! Machoviolence! Who the fuck even needs story when the disc is dripping with testosterone? Play Western games and you'll feel more manly! Manly, manly, MANLY!"
Cloud: "Eastern games---"
Cloud: "--are often big on---"
Cloud: "--things like---"
Cloud: "...wish you were just a silent protagonist with a few snippets of dialogue." read