Batman's modern utility belt from DC Direct: 31 flavors of fail

2:00 PM on 10.23.2009   |   Jason Millward

I'll admit right now that I've a tendency to overreact when it comes to Batman. I once described Batman Begins as being stabbed in the heart by my best friend and having him twist it until I died, only without the happy ending. When asked why, I sent out a 7 page email. ("Okay, Bruce. You say you fight crime because some dude killed the man who plugged your parents before you could kill him yourself? No, nothing. That's a great reason. Here's a cough drop.") It's safe to say I'm a bit picky. And that's why we're going past the jump with the reasons why I abhor this replica of Batman's utility belt. I've got a lot to say.

Let me get the particulars out of the way first. Batman's (Modern) Utility Belt will be hitting stores June 9th of next year.  It's part of the JLA Trophy Room series of props. It's 38 inches long, has real snapping faux-leather pouches with high-gloss gold buttons, and a gold-plated belt buckle. It will include the mountable display stand and the whole thing will retail for $350. Oh, and it's not meant to ever be worn.  Now then, click on over to where I'll be pouring on the Hate-orade.

DC Direct, I love you, but this thing is just awful. Did any thought go into this thing at all? Please allow me to lay down an in-depth critique of all the suck that is on display here.

Batman is a creature of darkness. The dude likes to hide, and when he's hiding, he's not such a big fan of being seen. He's also supposed to be one of the smartest people in the world. Smart people are aware that big-ass gaudy metal belt buckles and "high gloss" gold snaps are reflective. Any stray light happening past his crotch is going to reflect a bright gold bat-insignia for any hack criminal to see. Good thinking. I really see what you tried to do there.

Pleather? Really? Is that what we're going with here? I really don't want to point this out, but pleather is tacky.  By any chance, was your second choice to make it leopard print? I'm just asking. We're not just talking about a billionaire who can afford the good stuff, we're talking about you charging me over a third of a grand for cheap materials.

Speaking of tacky, bat-symbols on the buttons? Oh, dear. I know the dude gets a bit silly with the batmobile and his batarang, but just no. And snapping buttons is a terrible idea if you're really intent on keeping your vital instruments secure. Those suckers can snag on anything and pop right open. On top of that, they're not the easiest things to close one-handed without looking at them. Hardly convenient when you're engaged in the fightings of crime. Not to mention the noise they can make when absolute quiet is sometimes necessary.

Let's talk about that display stand. Please make it stop. I realize that you were trying to combine high-tech and art deco, but that thing is just atrocious. That's not style. That's a design degree from a correspondence school.

Why in the blue hell does it have "Modern" in parentheses on it? In fact, why is "modern" even there at all? This is not very forward thinking of you, is it? Batman's costume has evolved 37 thousand times, so three years from now it might not be so modern. It will be out-dated. Is this thing future-proof? Should the current design change, will you ship me a new plaque which reads "(Antiquated) Utility Belt"? For more than the cost of a new Playstation 3, I certainly hope so.

Now, please allow me to paraphrase the great Joe Hallenbeck: "Three hundred and fifty dollars?! It's a belt. You wear it. It doesn't have like a tv in it or something? I am definitely getting old." Oh, except that you can't even wear it.

Good grief. I should mention that the final product may differ from these images. All I can say is: I bloody well hope so. You've got over 7 months before these things street, DC Direct. Time for a make-up exam: Fire your designer, hire someone with some style and insight, then get back to me with results. For now, your grade is a big, fat F.